Rok sako toh rok lo…!!!!

I had a fight with a guy today… official fight… which resulted in me writing a big bad email to the world and then taking out all the anger on white board behind my desk… it is a large white board… I basically cleaned it… and then scribbled all over it…!!!

Now this guy is a friend of sorts and outside of work we get along pretty well…. To cheer me up while going back home he sent me pictures of Hinjewadi roads(that is homeland)… and also wished me good morning today(he never does that)….

I’m thinking of how people interpret my anger… he thinks I’m angry with him.. in which case I would have not talked to him after our fight… but I did talk to him…  rest of the guys in office thought that this was going to be meltdown of sorts so they were being extra nice…

My anger has steps…

1. Anger… increase in volume of speech… quickening of pulse… frowning of the face…
2. Then is a psychotic urge to break stuff… breaking things gives me super feeling… I know what you are thinking.. “main pagal hoon”(I’m mad).. well… that is true in all scenarios of my life…
3. A strong urge hit someone… this is for special cases….
4. Nerve racking sense of helplessness when I can’t do either of the steps 2 or 3….
5. Weird urge to eat chocolate…. This is the silliest thing… but yes… chocolate always turns up in my head when I’m angry… dark n gooey kind…  Have not been able to decipher the meaning of that yet…
6. and finally regret…The regret is always there… not over getting angry… or over breaking things (I have done that a lot mostly with my own stuff)… but it is just for getting into that situation where I got angry in the first place…

And when I think back… I am in the situation due to my own fault.. always….

So I keep wondering… why is it that I don’t stop myself from getting there…  Is it because I don’t realize where this situation is getting to?

There is loads of ‘gyan’ on how people need to control anger… be calm… but it is a gyan and only saints have the strength required for this control… I’m a mere mortal… There are times when I’m successful in controlling (very few) and others when I’m not(too many)….  But I think anger has a good side…

I get angry when someone says something about the ones I love…. Which means I am emotional about my relationships…

I get angry when I’m are trying hard to make something work and someone is trying even harder to stop it from happening… This means I’m  passionate about the work I do…

I get angry when people don’t agree with me… this means I try to seek acceptance and want to have a sense of belonging….  (even though getting everyone to agree with me is not the way to this)

Overall I don’t think it is a bad emotion that we need to control all the time.. sometimes just letting go is helpful too… keyword being sometimes….

I take pride in being emotional and passionate and it is just human to want to fit in… so I’m going to keep my anger and there are going to be fireworks… Rok sako toh rok lo…!!!!

Learning to fly...

I like to drive… even with all the crazy traffic and no-rules roads in Pune… I like to drive…
I am a late bloomer … Long after all my friends were pros at the wheel, I bought my Activa… and needless to point that my dear Dhanno had her first crash 3 days later… she survived unscratched but then my confidence was bruised… all my friends told me that it is just not my piece of cake…. Now on the road I was more conscious of the other vehicles then my bike or the fact that I’m the one controlling it… oh… that bike is too close… I’m definitely going to dash into that bus… and if there is anything on four wheels behind, I prayed that the brakes on it were working… I didn’t enjoy the rides then… so I ventured into one only when needed…
But then Pune teaches you to drive the way no teacher could… the hurdle race in the city makes you an expert at getting through tiny spaces, avoiding skirmishes and the best skill is not having any scratches on the bike at the end of the day… Routine lessons went on and unknowingly I was learning the skill… One fine day I had to go to a friend’s place 20 kms away and all my friends were going on bikes… I got mine too assuming there would be a spare driver to take me through the ordeal (as we always have one extra boy who is without a bike and does the honours)… but Mr. Murphy decided to bless me and I had to drive…. We started at 1 pm in the afternoon via the highway…. I was petrified…. But didn’t want my friends to think I couldn’t do this… Here came the surprise…. The highway was empty… there were no vehicles as far as the eye could see… as I drove on I started to loosen up and feel the breeze for the first time… I saw the speedometer move to from 50 ahead and the bike was completely stable… I was in control and flying… I can hear my heartbeat and feel the rhythm of the wind… This feeling changed driving for ever… On getting there all I wanted to do was get back… feel the breeze…ride away…
Now I drive to office every day, sometimes there is very heavy traffic, sometimes rains, times when I see people driving past the red light or someone just about to make a stupid regrettable mistake, I watch people get frustrated… I watch people in utmost hurry… but me… I like to drive…!

Hi Me...

Sometimes it takes simply a chocolate bar…. Sometimes a SRK movie… Sometimes going through old mails…. Sometimes riding a bike… Sometimes going to the temple……. Lots of things to do to make me feel better, lighter and not so alone… when I am…. Alone…!!

But nothing is as good as spending time with good friends… doing nothing… or sharing sob stories… gossiping, cribbing, chai, coffee, tapri etc.

I have more than a 100 people in my orkut or gmail or any other contact list… I have got friends around the world….. Technology seems to have brought people closer… just a scrap or ping away…. How much easier can it be to connect…??
And as said… content matters more than the wrapping… all of my friends are gems… Just very fortunate to meet wonderful people at different crossroads in life and have them become an integral part of it…

Staying in a different country away from parents and family also makes me thank the telecommunications industry… you miss someone... Just call (international maybe costly… but who’s complaining :))…. Everyone is a phone call away….

And as you go to new places your friends list simply expands… and new people seep into your life…

30th November 2008, 11 pm… Waterfront, Wellington… listening to a ‘newly added’ friend recount his ‘love story’… I suddenly realized…. I’m alone… with all that technology can offer… with that very large contact list…with a whole family thinking about me and missing me for lot of occasions… I’m alone….
This is the loneliness that doesn’t go away even when I’m surrounded by people… Like a shadow it follows me around… sometimes engulfs me… sometimes makes me run…

That day however I let the feeling be… not fighting it… not pushing it away… not agonizing over it…. I let it pass….. I felt calm… like everything is settling down…
And then I was not alone… I was with ‘Me’… I could hear the little voice inside and I knew, loneliness is one more reason to connect to “You” and say “Hi Me”… :)